Saturday, July 28, 2012

Waiting...

Waiting.....I have never been good at waiting......living in such a fast paced society and one where gratification is well...instant..., my skills at waiting have not been well defined.  I have always been someone who worked hard and often long to get what I thought was best for my children and my family, but in this there is not one more thing I can do.  The last month has been hard, a lot of inner emotional overwhelm, turmoil,  anxiety, sadness and beseeching...   On several occasions I know I have embarrassed Rock as emotion neither of us knew was so strong came rushing out of me like lava out of volcano.  Homeland Security is not one of those places you want to make a spectacle of yourself, but when they could not find my paperwork to do my fingerprinting, I sobbed and begged through tears.  I rationalized with the poor worker and poor Rock nervously looked at the 3 security guards with their guns.  A few phone calls later the matter was cleared up and a new appt made ...for 10 days later...don't they know I have children 1/2 way across the globe that need a mother?...Don't they know that these children have been waiting for a long time and I don't want them to feel abandoned and alone another minute?  My pleading with "man" and with God has felt defeating...but I know the Truth. As many of you know the Ethiopian court closes for 6-8 weeks beginning sometime in August through into October.  I desperately wanted to meet our kids and go to court before they closed.  As that window of time is closing and I have gone from hope to sadness, defeat to hope again and then to acceptance it doesn't change my longing....This past Sunday in church I felt a real peace and felt the Lord telling me that it was ok, that He was in charge and that He had a plan.  Of course I knew all these things in my head, but to feel it resonate deep within my soul was a comfort and a blessing.  Then there was an email....a family who had submitted their paperwork a MONTH after us got a court date.  I didn't know my peace was so fragile.....I was thrown into hurt, anxiety, anger, desperation and my driven nature to take charge.  Even though it was impulsive I called our agency "after hours" and left a pleading voicemail.  Well, I guess if I can bawl in Homeland Security, I can plead with our agency worker.  i have tried hard not to be "that emotional annoying mom who calls every week to find out what's happening" in fact I have seen that rather than externalizing my emotions I have taken many of them to the Lord and wrestled with Him about them.  Though we do not have a court date and it feels like we are no closer to meeting our new children, I am closer to their Maker and Creator.  He knows the longing of my heart and He is already making me a better mom to them, by helping me trust and rely on Him more.
                           
 You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you,
my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.
Psalm 63:1-3 

My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you.
Isaiah 26:8

I know that when God closes a window, He opens a door.  Rock and I will wait upon Him and His plan. Thank you for your continued prayers for us, for M & Y and their family too